I hate even putting something about my personal life on the internet, but I know that the Bunker loves drama, so I need some advice for the current situation that I have found myself in. I don't really have anyone else that I can talk to about this. Any advice or words of wisdom/encouragement are also appreciated.
Three weeks ago I found out that the mother of my child was pregnant with our second child. I found out yesterday that the mother of my child has talked to at least 3 guys since we moved into a new house back in August. From the information that I have found, most of it seems to have taken place between November and February. I know that she has dated 2 of the 3 guys before we got together back in 2014, and I don't know the previous history with the third guy. I know that she has talked to them through texts, FaceTime calls, Facebook messenger, and Snapchat. Since nothing has been saved through Snapchat and she has deleted the texts with them, I'm not able to see any of the conversations that have taken place on there, but have seen the Facebook conversations and there are a few screenshots of some of their texts that she showed to her cousin, which is what I stumbled across and led me to doing some deeper investigating. Apparently close to Thanksgiving, she had made plans with the third guy to come over to our house while I was at work, I alternate between day shift and night shift, and she had intended on having one of the guys that she previously dated come over around Valentine's Day, also while I was at work. I haven't came across any proof that either of those guys came over or that she went to them since so much of the message trail has been deleted for months. Based on what I've seen, I don't think anything physically happened with the guy she had previously dated, but I don't know about the other guy since there isn't any other conversation that I can find. Either way, the intent on her part was there, which is the nail in the coffin to me.
Before this, I think both of us just tolerated the other one for the sake of our child. Most of the time that there are big arguments, she will threaten to leave, but never does. I've always worried that she is just waiting for me to be the one to end things so she can use that against me with my child. As far as myself goes, my biggest fear is that me not being in my child's life 100% of the time will keep them from reaching their full potential. Up to this point my child seems to be talented in the sport that it is involved in, seems to be very smart, and has the sweetest personality. I've tried to just deal with everything up to this point in order to be there and give the best chance of support and potential, but I just can't continue to do so after all of this has been discovered. I feel like I can't keep getting ran over and have to stand up for myself at some point. I just don't want to hate myself and feel like any shortcoming with my child's future is somehow connected to what I am about to have to do.
I'm obviously blind-sided and furious still, but haven't confronted her about it yet. We are supposed to be going to the doctor tomorrow for the first baby checkup and she had ordered an early gender reveal kit that we were planning on sending off early next week. I want to make sure I cross my T's and dot my I's before I do confront her. I have what evidence I have found so far saved in case I need it for later. We aren't married, even though we have lived together for 7.5 of the 8 years that we have dated. There are no joint bank accounts, although I have found that she has a picture saved on her phone of my debit card and she knows my PIN and she also has my Walmart credit card that I got back when I was at Auburn linked to her Walmart account and she's added $600 to it with online grocery orders since May. The house and my vehicle are in my name only and her vehicle is in her name only. As with most women, I expect that she will probably make my life going forward as miserable as she can. Since for most of the year I work one week and am then off of work for one week, I would think I have a good shot of 50/50 custody, but I have a feeling that she will try to fight that just because she knows how much I love the child that we already have together. For those of you that have dealt with something like this before, or know someone that has, what, if anything else, should I get in order before I start down this path that will change my life and my child/children's lives going forward?
Three weeks ago I found out that the mother of my child was pregnant with our second child. I found out yesterday that the mother of my child has talked to at least 3 guys since we moved into a new house back in August. From the information that I have found, most of it seems to have taken place between November and February. I know that she has dated 2 of the 3 guys before we got together back in 2014, and I don't know the previous history with the third guy. I know that she has talked to them through texts, FaceTime calls, Facebook messenger, and Snapchat. Since nothing has been saved through Snapchat and she has deleted the texts with them, I'm not able to see any of the conversations that have taken place on there, but have seen the Facebook conversations and there are a few screenshots of some of their texts that she showed to her cousin, which is what I stumbled across and led me to doing some deeper investigating. Apparently close to Thanksgiving, she had made plans with the third guy to come over to our house while I was at work, I alternate between day shift and night shift, and she had intended on having one of the guys that she previously dated come over around Valentine's Day, also while I was at work. I haven't came across any proof that either of those guys came over or that she went to them since so much of the message trail has been deleted for months. Based on what I've seen, I don't think anything physically happened with the guy she had previously dated, but I don't know about the other guy since there isn't any other conversation that I can find. Either way, the intent on her part was there, which is the nail in the coffin to me.
Before this, I think both of us just tolerated the other one for the sake of our child. Most of the time that there are big arguments, she will threaten to leave, but never does. I've always worried that she is just waiting for me to be the one to end things so she can use that against me with my child. As far as myself goes, my biggest fear is that me not being in my child's life 100% of the time will keep them from reaching their full potential. Up to this point my child seems to be talented in the sport that it is involved in, seems to be very smart, and has the sweetest personality. I've tried to just deal with everything up to this point in order to be there and give the best chance of support and potential, but I just can't continue to do so after all of this has been discovered. I feel like I can't keep getting ran over and have to stand up for myself at some point. I just don't want to hate myself and feel like any shortcoming with my child's future is somehow connected to what I am about to have to do.
As far as our relationship up to this point goes, it has been pretty rocky. When we first met, I was 24 and she was 20 and we both lived in Auburn. She moved in after 5 months and then 2 months later she was pregnant. I wasn't planning on having a kid at the time and she ended up having a miscarriage pretty early in the pregnancy. About 3 months later we get in a big fight and I start helping her load her car up with all of her things. As she's getting ready to leave she started crying and told me that she's pregnant again. I let her back in because of this and she ends up having our child roughly 8 months later. I still wasn't planning on having a kid at the time, but just assumed that I had super swimmers or whatever since she told me when she first met that she had a birth control implant in her arm and showed me where she had it taken out once she found out she was pregnant the second time. About 6 months after we have our child and are in the process of moving away from Auburn and back closer to my family to have some help raising our child while getting better jobs, she confesses that she was never on birth control and just faked going to the doctor when she said she was getting the implant taken out. At that point I didn't know how to react, since what could I really say or do? I've held that in and never told anyone about that in order to keep my family from resenting her for lying about something as big as that and basically trapping me in the relationship. Also, once she found out she was pregnant and seemed to feel a sense of comfort, it seems like she basically gave up on trying like she used to. She used to keep the house clean and keep the laundry up, but now it stays messy and unorganized and laundry stays piled up. She also put on 60 pounds within a couple of years and mostly just lays in the bedroom and watches tv and snacks instead of being in the living room or playing with our child once she gets home from work. We've also had constant money issues due to her spending all of her money and as much of mine as she can. I pay most of the bills that cover our family, besides the groceries, water, and electricity, but most months I find that she usually pays one or more of those, or one or more of her personal bills with my card. I didn't keep up with it as much before, but over the last 2 years its averaged out to her needing $600/month out of my bank account to cover what she is supposed to be responsible for. All of this continuously leads to fights, but nothing has every changed with her. We've never had any common interests and our personalities are on opposite ends of the spectrum. I'm more laid back/reserved while she's more temperamental. It's also the same way with how we raise our child. I try to talk things through and explain things and why they are wrong while she just goes straight to spanking and yelling. She also runs to her mother and her cousin and badmouths me all of the time anytime I try to talk to her about any of this, and of course they side with her, even though I feel that they are getting a very slanted view of what is going on. This is also the same cousin that knew she was talking to these other guys, and even encouraged her to do so instead of straightening her out while all of this went on the last few months. I will admit that I haven't been perfect in all of this either and have been caught talking to other girls/women at several points in time when I have gotten frustrated and been on the verge of ending things before, but it has only been conversation and never got to the point that plans were made for them to go over or for me to go to them. I guess it was basically a controlled way to pacify myself until things got to the point that I calmed down and didn't want to leave anymore.
I'm obviously blind-sided and furious still, but haven't confronted her about it yet. We are supposed to be going to the doctor tomorrow for the first baby checkup and she had ordered an early gender reveal kit that we were planning on sending off early next week. I want to make sure I cross my T's and dot my I's before I do confront her. I have what evidence I have found so far saved in case I need it for later. We aren't married, even though we have lived together for 7.5 of the 8 years that we have dated. There are no joint bank accounts, although I have found that she has a picture saved on her phone of my debit card and she knows my PIN and she also has my Walmart credit card that I got back when I was at Auburn linked to her Walmart account and she's added $600 to it with online grocery orders since May. The house and my vehicle are in my name only and her vehicle is in her name only. As with most women, I expect that she will probably make my life going forward as miserable as she can. Since for most of the year I work one week and am then off of work for one week, I would think I have a good shot of 50/50 custody, but I have a feeling that she will try to fight that just because she knows how much I love the child that we already have together. For those of you that have dealt with something like this before, or know someone that has, what, if anything else, should I get in order before I start down this path that will change my life and my child/children's lives going forward?
