Here we sit in Week 3, less than 48 hours after an absolute demolishing by the Bayou Bengals. Our QB is head-fvked into oblivion and has gone from Messiah to Pariah. Our best player on defense is possibly out for the rest of the season. Things don't look good for us. I'm going to basically provide some scenarios that I think we win/lose:
GROUPING OUR REMAINING OPPONENTS INTO LIKELIHOOD OF OUTCOME
LIKELY TO WIN - SJSU, IDAHO
I hope to God these are foregone conclusions that we win. Hopefully we can start building upon something against MSU and let that take us into the SJSU game. Idaho will sandwich the UGA and Iron Bowl and I'm thinking at that point, we should have established enough of an identity to lock Idaho away. It's really sad that I'm even contemplating this but c'mon, Jax State.....
WE CAN WIN IF WE TRY HARD - ARKY
Here's the thing - Arky is having as bad, if not worse, of a season than us. They were the dark horse SEC-W contender. Lots of returning starters. Yet, they lost to Toledo and lost big to Texas Tech. They seem just as down as us. However, I would much rather be us than them. I think we match up well against Arky and I think we stand a shot of putting up enough points against them to win this game, assuming our QB (whoever that may be) takes care of the ball.
UP FOR GRABS/COIN FLIP GAMES - MSU, KENTUCKY
Basically, these are games I think we have a 50/50 shot of winning or losing. MSU is beatable, sure, but we are facing them in a huge transition period for our team. We could possibly be breaking in a new QB and that could cause huge problems. While Dak Prescott is a beast, I like our odds in this game, though, because we could also be introducing a star in Sean White. IF we can get a guy who can distribute the ball to our talented WRs and take the load off our already overworked RBs, I think we can win this game. Even if we leave JJ in, I think we can win. Kentucky is a game I circled early on in the year as a trap game. That was when I thought we were going to be good. Now I'm pretty sure that this game transforms from an overlooked Thursday away game against a traditional conference cupcake on the rise into a desperate fight for bowl eligibility. I still think UK brings all they got against us since they will also be fighting for bowl eligibility.
WILL MOST LIKELY LOSE - TAMU, IRON BOWL
I hate to say it, but yeah, we're most likely going to lose these games. TAMU is a team that looks really solid and is clicking on all cylinders. No, they haven't played anyone yet, but I've seen enough from them to know they will probably be really good. We'll know more after their games against Arky, MSU and bammer, but I've seen enough to know that they will be a team that's built as hard for us to beat when we're struggling offensively. Unless things change dramatically, I just don't think we have enough firepower to keep up with them and we lose by about 2 scores. For the IB, bama showed they are not invincible as we once suspected, but we also know that bama is a team that always gets better and rarely falls apart over the regular season under saban (postseason is another story...). If anything, these kinds of losses piss them off. If they drop games to UGA, LSU and/or TAMU, an IB raping on the Plains could be their only salvation for their season. While Gus usually brings his game to the IB and the game is at home, our lack of explosive plays (the kind dire for winning the IB) makes me think we lose this game. I am tempted to switch bammer and OM in the anus category, but I think we have a better shot against bammer and IDK why. Actually, I just can't type out 'bama will rape us'. Just too much auburn in me. In summary, while we could win these games, I just don't see it likely sitting here in Week 3.
PREP THE ANUS - OLE MISS, UGA
Ole Miss looked really good offensively and defensively. At least the kind of good that I know doesn't match up well for us. A high-paced offense that can make big plays and a tough D that can turn the ball over. With UGA, I'm just playing the odds here. They always rape us. We never get up for that game. I don't see anything changing this year, either. I don't care that it's at home. If UGA beats bama, their road to the playoffs has basically one major road block and that's...GA Tech. I see them laying it on us. Bad.
PREDICTION(S)
MOST LIKELY SCENARIO: 6-6, Weed Whacker Bowl
I think we win one of the 50/50 games but lose to MSU given timing. Everything else turns out like I think.
BEST CASE (REALISTIC): 8-4, Chick-Fil-A Bowl
We win both 50/50 games and pull an 'upset' against TAMU in College Station. Back to the Chick-Fil-A bowl.
WORST CASE (REALISTIC): 5-7, home for Christmas
We drop both 50/50 games.
BEST CASE (UNREALISTIC) "SSPer Pick": 10-2, NC WIN
I call this my Rocky III/IV fantasy. Basically, we have JJ, who is essentially Rocky after the Mr. T fight. We had seen all this preseason hype surrounding JJ, which built up a false sense of confidence and perhaps distracted him too much. For some reason or another, all of it gets in his head and now JJ's just completely head-fvked, making incredibly stupid mental mistakes etc. He's shown flashes of brilliance in his losses, just enough to let us know he still has it, but these are greatly overshadowed by his enormous defeats (i.e., throwing the ball backwards etc.). We find JJ sitting in the locker room, too scared to go to practice when we hear the sound of hobbling on crutches...and it's Carl Lawson, JJ's former 2014 preseason hype champion and JJ's rival for 2015 preseason hype champion, which JJ barely won. Carl Lawson is the Carl Weathers/Apollo Creed of this fantasy. Out for the season with an injury, Lawson takes JJ under his wing and helps JJ get back to speed with an 80s montage that ultimately climaxes with a homoerotic scene where JJ and Lawson frolick in the sprinklers on the practice field with tube socks and short shorts on. It "clicks" for JJ and he starts seeing those LBs in the flats, and the ball goes forward all of a sudden. It all looks great - we blow out everyone etc., but tragedy strikes against UGA where Lawson comes back for the UGA game but reinjures himself. We lose huge to UGA, like 44-0. JJ throws a bunch of picks. In a sad locker room moment, Lawson makes JJ promise to win out. JJ does. We beat bama in a close game, barely, which sets up a revenge game against UGA in the SEC Champ. JJ shows his old ghosts until he looks over and sees Lawson on the sideline, which gets JJ motivated and starts balling out. We beat UGA, head to playoffs and win the NC game. Named NC Game MVP, JJ takes the mike and makes a Rocky IV style speech about how everyone at AU hated him and now they love him and how it's important we love each other blah blah blah, but he gives the award to carl lawson and everyone cries.
WORST CASE (UNREALISTIC) "DocDumpsta Pick": 3-9
I mean, I don't even want to entertain this thought. Basically we lose to SJSU and all of the rest of our games except Idaho, in which we win in a close game. Gus loses the locker room and gets fired while Boom hightails it to greener pastures. Jay Jacobs loses his job and we find ourselves going hard for Chip Kelly, losing, but getting Chad Morris.
GROUPING OUR REMAINING OPPONENTS INTO LIKELIHOOD OF OUTCOME
LIKELY TO WIN - SJSU, IDAHO
I hope to God these are foregone conclusions that we win. Hopefully we can start building upon something against MSU and let that take us into the SJSU game. Idaho will sandwich the UGA and Iron Bowl and I'm thinking at that point, we should have established enough of an identity to lock Idaho away. It's really sad that I'm even contemplating this but c'mon, Jax State.....
WE CAN WIN IF WE TRY HARD - ARKY
Here's the thing - Arky is having as bad, if not worse, of a season than us. They were the dark horse SEC-W contender. Lots of returning starters. Yet, they lost to Toledo and lost big to Texas Tech. They seem just as down as us. However, I would much rather be us than them. I think we match up well against Arky and I think we stand a shot of putting up enough points against them to win this game, assuming our QB (whoever that may be) takes care of the ball.
UP FOR GRABS/COIN FLIP GAMES - MSU, KENTUCKY
Basically, these are games I think we have a 50/50 shot of winning or losing. MSU is beatable, sure, but we are facing them in a huge transition period for our team. We could possibly be breaking in a new QB and that could cause huge problems. While Dak Prescott is a beast, I like our odds in this game, though, because we could also be introducing a star in Sean White. IF we can get a guy who can distribute the ball to our talented WRs and take the load off our already overworked RBs, I think we can win this game. Even if we leave JJ in, I think we can win. Kentucky is a game I circled early on in the year as a trap game. That was when I thought we were going to be good. Now I'm pretty sure that this game transforms from an overlooked Thursday away game against a traditional conference cupcake on the rise into a desperate fight for bowl eligibility. I still think UK brings all they got against us since they will also be fighting for bowl eligibility.
WILL MOST LIKELY LOSE - TAMU, IRON BOWL
I hate to say it, but yeah, we're most likely going to lose these games. TAMU is a team that looks really solid and is clicking on all cylinders. No, they haven't played anyone yet, but I've seen enough from them to know they will probably be really good. We'll know more after their games against Arky, MSU and bammer, but I've seen enough to know that they will be a team that's built as hard for us to beat when we're struggling offensively. Unless things change dramatically, I just don't think we have enough firepower to keep up with them and we lose by about 2 scores. For the IB, bama showed they are not invincible as we once suspected, but we also know that bama is a team that always gets better and rarely falls apart over the regular season under saban (postseason is another story...). If anything, these kinds of losses piss them off. If they drop games to UGA, LSU and/or TAMU, an IB raping on the Plains could be their only salvation for their season. While Gus usually brings his game to the IB and the game is at home, our lack of explosive plays (the kind dire for winning the IB) makes me think we lose this game. I am tempted to switch bammer and OM in the anus category, but I think we have a better shot against bammer and IDK why. Actually, I just can't type out 'bama will rape us'. Just too much auburn in me. In summary, while we could win these games, I just don't see it likely sitting here in Week 3.
PREP THE ANUS - OLE MISS, UGA
Ole Miss looked really good offensively and defensively. At least the kind of good that I know doesn't match up well for us. A high-paced offense that can make big plays and a tough D that can turn the ball over. With UGA, I'm just playing the odds here. They always rape us. We never get up for that game. I don't see anything changing this year, either. I don't care that it's at home. If UGA beats bama, their road to the playoffs has basically one major road block and that's...GA Tech. I see them laying it on us. Bad.
PREDICTION(S)
MOST LIKELY SCENARIO: 6-6, Weed Whacker Bowl
I think we win one of the 50/50 games but lose to MSU given timing. Everything else turns out like I think.
BEST CASE (REALISTIC): 8-4, Chick-Fil-A Bowl
We win both 50/50 games and pull an 'upset' against TAMU in College Station. Back to the Chick-Fil-A bowl.
WORST CASE (REALISTIC): 5-7, home for Christmas
We drop both 50/50 games.
BEST CASE (UNREALISTIC) "SSPer Pick": 10-2, NC WIN
I call this my Rocky III/IV fantasy. Basically, we have JJ, who is essentially Rocky after the Mr. T fight. We had seen all this preseason hype surrounding JJ, which built up a false sense of confidence and perhaps distracted him too much. For some reason or another, all of it gets in his head and now JJ's just completely head-fvked, making incredibly stupid mental mistakes etc. He's shown flashes of brilliance in his losses, just enough to let us know he still has it, but these are greatly overshadowed by his enormous defeats (i.e., throwing the ball backwards etc.). We find JJ sitting in the locker room, too scared to go to practice when we hear the sound of hobbling on crutches...and it's Carl Lawson, JJ's former 2014 preseason hype champion and JJ's rival for 2015 preseason hype champion, which JJ barely won. Carl Lawson is the Carl Weathers/Apollo Creed of this fantasy. Out for the season with an injury, Lawson takes JJ under his wing and helps JJ get back to speed with an 80s montage that ultimately climaxes with a homoerotic scene where JJ and Lawson frolick in the sprinklers on the practice field with tube socks and short shorts on. It "clicks" for JJ and he starts seeing those LBs in the flats, and the ball goes forward all of a sudden. It all looks great - we blow out everyone etc., but tragedy strikes against UGA where Lawson comes back for the UGA game but reinjures himself. We lose huge to UGA, like 44-0. JJ throws a bunch of picks. In a sad locker room moment, Lawson makes JJ promise to win out. JJ does. We beat bama in a close game, barely, which sets up a revenge game against UGA in the SEC Champ. JJ shows his old ghosts until he looks over and sees Lawson on the sideline, which gets JJ motivated and starts balling out. We beat UGA, head to playoffs and win the NC game. Named NC Game MVP, JJ takes the mike and makes a Rocky IV style speech about how everyone at AU hated him and now they love him and how it's important we love each other blah blah blah, but he gives the award to carl lawson and everyone cries.
WORST CASE (UNREALISTIC) "DocDumpsta Pick": 3-9
I mean, I don't even want to entertain this thought. Basically we lose to SJSU and all of the rest of our games except Idaho, in which we win in a close game. Gus loses the locker room and gets fired while Boom hightails it to greener pastures. Jay Jacobs loses his job and we find ourselves going hard for Chip Kelly, losing, but getting Chad Morris.
