Year of the Phvcktarded Mascots
This is gonna be long and IDGAF. TLDR you stupid bassturds.
This is gonna be long and IDGAF. TLDR you stupid bassturds.
Kent State's mascot is the Golden Flashes. Wtf, is a Golden Flash. Sounds like an R Kelly and Pee Wee Herman had a wet dream together. So I did a little digging into the history if Kent State to figure out how this came about.
Kent State was founded in 1910 by Franklin Charleston Lacrioux Rubik (the great grandfather of Erno Rubik, the inventor of the Rubik's Cube). He was an engineer, an inventor, a puppeteer, and a sculptor. He wanted to start a University where young men could go to become career students. His goal was to keep them in school as long as possible, learning as many different skills as possible, until their bank accounts dried up. It was a revolutionary new business model for what was previously seen as only a service for higher education.
Rubik was born in 1855 and came from a long line of Louisiana Gator farmers. He was wrestling gators and taking skins at 5 years old. His father spent much of Frank's childhood off at war.
Franklin's younger brother, Faltis, and his mother Gerthunk, helped him run the farms while his father was gone at war. Everyday, Franklin and Faltis (along with 30 slaves) would work the swamps. The women would take the gator skins they brought home and turn them into fine valuables to be sold at market. Boots, purses, and hats were there main staples.
After the war, Franklin's father offered all his slaves modest pay and pieces of land to stay on as workers. All but 5, obliged.
Franklin's father, Rectus Rubik; was a stern but fair man. He often got drunk in the evenings and spoke of a 20 foot black gator that killed his uncle in 1840. After the 4th time hearing this tale, Franklin and Faltis decided they were going to find this beast and turn it's beautiful black hide into a huge profit. The wealthy societal types would spend 10 times the amount of money on all black leather items. A 20 foot gator would provide a ton of boots and purses.
They both went out one early summer morning in 1874. Frank was 19, Faltus 17. They headed deep into the bayou to an island, where their father had said this gator lived. There was a cave. Inside that cave was where a massive black gator loomed. 2 boys went in, only 1 came out.
That evening a bloodied and weary Franklin stumbled into the house. When his father asked him what had happened, all he said was , "the black gator". His father's face grew rather grim. From that day on his father slowly started losing his mind. His grief over losing his boy drove him mad. He often spent nights drunkenly stumbling through the swamps screaming, "Faltis!" His relationship with Franklin dissolved.
Feeling ostracized, Franklin decided he wanted to do other things than Gator farming. He went out and traveled the world. He tried to live a life to the fullest, in honor of his brother. It was as if he was living two lives at once. He studied engineering and made money doing puppet shows for blind children. He created wonderful works of art and invented something called a "Stove Mattress", which was guaranteed to keep your bed warm in the winter.
After years at this, he decided it was time for the prodigal son to return home. There he found his father had been locked up in a mental institution and his mother had been working the streets in New Orleans. There she contracted the dreaded "Booger Dick" and died.
So in 1910, Rubik took what was left of his mentally ill father's fortune and headed North. He was looking for land where he could start this fine institution that he dreamed of. He had made his mind up to head to the beautiful state of Kentucky and start Kentucky State University.
As he traveled, he come across a great clearing. There were many travelers stopped in this place. All were taking a break to piss. This was the first official Rest Stop. This great meeting place would be the home of KSU.
Frank found a large rock in the middle of the clearing and decided to start chiseling. He was going to make a large statue of his brother and scribe across the bottom, Kentucky State University.
For days, he worked relentlessly to carve his greatest work. It was to be the pinnacle and foundation for which his vision would build around. All day he watched as people sprayed golden streams of urine next to his statue. These flashes of brilliant gold across the base of the white stone he worked upon became the inspiration for the Golden Flashes.
As he began the finishing touches upon the statue, he scribed K E N T........., a pisser, "hey dumbass! This is Ohio!"...............................S T A T E.
And there you have it. The Kent State Golden Flashes.
Cliffs:
Dude grows up on gator farm.
Dude kills brother in a cave.
Dude blames it on a fictitious gator.
Father knows his sons a psychopath.
Son travels the world.
Father goes crazy.
Mom dies a ho.
Son steals fathers fortune.
Son travels north to start a college.
Kentucky State University is in Ohio because a dude had a pee pee fetish.
I'd like to especially thank @RhoadsAU for getting me this baller AU Braves hat.
The rest of you can jealously EAD.
IDGAF if you read this or not. I'm in a manic episode.
